I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
You Might Also Like
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.