Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
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Cherry seeds are just the pits.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.