If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
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I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
mood
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.