Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
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[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?