when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
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When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
sensitive skin
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.