I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
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Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?