Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
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that wasn’t the question
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life