Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
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YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”