wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
You Might Also Like
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.