ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
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The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
*jingles half the way*
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*