[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
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A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”