Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
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It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however