“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
You Might Also Like
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law