My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
You Might Also Like
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Yup
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”