My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
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[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess