Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
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A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Oh hi lol
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee