Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
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Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler