Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
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Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.