I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
You Might Also Like
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.