me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
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“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
When he asks for feet pics