satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
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Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.