*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
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at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*