“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
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Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Any refunds available?…
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
All. The. Damn. Time.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”