me adding lol on a serious message
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.