King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
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Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”