[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
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Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
White parent Vs Arab parents
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.