It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
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David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Nothing to do, you say?
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Seems a bit forward
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.