I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
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I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Sunday
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet