I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Smooooooth
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
5 ways to appear taller
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved