When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
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*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”