think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
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My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say