Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
You Might Also Like
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Who called it baking and not making love
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.