I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
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My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
plums roundup
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.