I pray every night that I never become religious…
You Might Also Like
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
british sex workers really pound for pound
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo