Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
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The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Not recommended for beginners.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what