a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
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nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.