Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
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[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
My birthstone is kidney
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit