“I will cook for you.” I threatened
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“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
my favorite genre of twitter
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.