What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
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Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I wish this was real life…
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
tinder is all about the long game
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…