My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
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scares
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?