Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
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GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I have never related to a cat more
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.