*puts my mental health in rice
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A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.