Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
You Might Also Like
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
One venti cheeseburger please.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.