I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
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Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
eggs benadryl
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.