The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
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[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
✌️
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.