Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
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[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
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“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom