If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
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[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Seems legit
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??