It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
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until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you