Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
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Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
tell em, edith-anne
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*