Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
You Might Also Like
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
#titanic
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
12653.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss